Motherhood Musings: I Loved You, Long Before I Met You by Jess Urlichs

"I held you long before my arms did, I made a home for you and I whispered to you the lullaby’s I wanted to comfort you as you drifted off to sleep.

I knew you long before I met you, I would talk of your personality made up of elbows and knees, ready to move, ready to “keep me on my toes”, I would say.

I loved you long before I saw you with my eyes, the black and white prints outlining those lips I longed to kiss with my own.

I heard you long before your cry into the world that mixed in with my own. That first heart beat, the one that echoed love and relief through my soul, a quick rhythm so comforting it brought tears to my eyes.

I wanted you long before I needed you, as I sat there watching tests from boxes, willing them to tell me my life was about to change.

I felt you long before I touched your skin, my finger tips tracing the stretches of my stomach, proudly growing you, reaching for your fathers hand so he could feel your movements too. Mostly you would save those movements for me, as if you already knew my touch.

I worried about you long before I needed to, maybe that’s how this will go. The pain, the love, the strength, the weakness. I already know it will be worth it all, so the worry creeps in. I know I couldn’t live without you now.

I wept for my body when everything hurt, long before it had me awestruck about what it could do. As beautiful as carrying you is, I hurt some days, my eyes open at night. I know it’s preparing me for the nights where our skin will warm each others, where nothing could be more beautiful, where my tired tears will soak your head. But I already know I’d do it all over, for you.

I shared with you my heart before you’d steal it completely. The need to protect you already as my hands find my belly when we’re in a crowd, cradling you, a mothers touch.

I shared with you our stories, ones of how I met your father, books from when I was a child, you probably overhead some yelling at times on those harder days, discussions of setting up your room. I’ve shared many stories with you that have been unspoken, the emotions of mine that I know you feel, the map of our journey across my body that we’ve drawn together.

And I’m following it with you as my guide.

I don’t know what kind of Mum I will be yet, I don’t have it all planned out.

Can I still be me, with you?

How can I, when everything is going to change?

There’s so much that’s unknown.

But I know I love you.

I’m so nervous, but I’m ready my love.

I cannot wait to meet you.

See you soon,

love Mum."

Words by Jess Urlichs for DockATot

Follow Jess on Instagram - @jessurlichs_writer

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