Photo by @hilvees
I forget sometimes we had a life before them, there’s evidence of it of course. In photos, in conversations, in a glance of appreciation. But if it weren’t for the life we had before, I wonder what our life would be like now.
I remember the nights out, drinks flowing, loud music, dancing, laughing in taxi’s on the way home.
Then the nights became broken, sometimes accompanied by my tears and lots of shushing. Your hand never far and mine never far from pushing it away. We still danced, like idiots around each other flustered, trying to prepare bottles, find a thermometer or a burp cloth.
I remember you breaking my walls down, only for me to build them back up with the, “thank you’s” and “sorry’s”, why were those words so hard to find now?
And as I slowly let the pieces of me down, I wondered if I was still the same girl you fell in love with.
I remember happily listening to your work stories and now you’ll get home and I appreciate you don’t linger in the car beforehand. I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to walk in the door to our manic ways. I was never there to greet you with a kiss. I wanted to, but for some reason my back was usually at the kitchen sink with some chore taking its marks on my tongue.
I remember knowing each other’s every little detail and now I’ll tell you something a week later that I simply forgot about, but I’ll still text you during the day, especially when it’s been hard. Sometimes I type something out and then delete it, like I just need to know you’re there.
I remember closing the door to the toilet and now it’s everyone’s favourite meeting place. I’m asking you to grab my postpartum undies out of the draw and you know the ones. I used to think we were comfortable with each other, now I know we are, on a whole new level.
I remember flutters, when you’d wear a suit, the back of your neck, the first time you looked at your child.
Now those flutters are a peaceful kind and I’m moved the most when time stands still.
I remember talking about our dreams, this was one of them, we just didn’t know it then.
And somewhere between a bedside of ointments and our kids playing in the yard there became a sudden ease.
Our conversations weren’t so compulsory and we were laughing more. We started finding time for ourselves and I started kissing you as you walked through the door again.
There’s no one I’d rather compare eye wrinkles with and be exhausted with.
No one I’d rather smile with across the room of chaos.
Some days stretch on forever but there’s no one I’d rather spend forever with.
It’s funny, this was our vision.
Yet we never saw it coming.
Words by Jess Urlichs for DockATot
Follow Jess on Instagram - @jessurlichs_writer
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