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AGES 9-36+ MONTHS
AGES 0 - 8 MONTHS
May 13, 2021 3 min read
Tears fall more freely since we met.
But in some ways, free is also what I feel.
Which seems strange to say when I once used the word ‘trapped’, to describe a bad day.
Or the fact that I can’t leave the house with only a few items anymore.
Or do anything actually without a detailed plan of ‘how’ and ‘when’.
But you freed me in the ways that matter.
My eyes are open.
My mind is wild.
My brain is on fire.
All of me is alive.
Even if I feel like I’m hanging by a thread some days.
Even though worry courses through my veins, my roar is no longer a tickle in my throat.
Sometimes we head to the park, just you and I.
I throw out a blanket and a muslin and get out some small toy that rattles.
It’s just us, here in this park.
Nowhere else to go, nothing to do.
You’re so small, I wonder if you even know we’re somewhere other than our back yard.
But this is me trying to leave the house.
This is our season, lost in motherhood and lost in your eyes.
And found all at once.
Alone in the park, with my gigantic bag.
Free to the hours I would watch and wonder later where they went.
And we would stare at each other a while, “time to go home now”, I would say.
My world seemed so much smaller, light enough to cradle and heavy enough to cry.
It sounds like a lot to live up to, being my world.
But that’s the beauty of it really.
It’s nothing you did, it’s everything you are.
And I’ve never been more myself, even if I didn’t know who that person was for a while.
I can be me around you, I want to be. I’m free to be.
Because she is who you need.
You accepted her, before I did.
I was surprised to feel healed in some ways becoming a mother, maybe because everything just felt so honest.
More honest than I had ever known.
I haven’t forgotten the loneliness, I’ll never forget the love.
You’ve freed my heart to love like never before.
You freed me in so many ways.
Except the air in my lungs.
I’m still holding my breath a little.
Maybe I always will.
Words by Jess Urlichs for DockATot
Follow Jess on Instagram - @jessurlichs_writer
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