Tears fall more freely since we met.
But in some ways, free is also what I feel.
Which seems strange to say when I once used the word ‘trapped’, to describe a bad day.
Or the fact that I can’t leave the house with only a few items anymore.
Or do anything actually without a detailed plan of ‘how’ and ‘when’.
But you freed me in the ways that matter.
My eyes are open.
My mind is wild.
My brain is on fire.
All of me is alive.
Even if I feel like I’m hanging by a thread some days.
Even though worry courses through my veins, my roar is no longer a tickle in my throat.
Sometimes we head to the park, just you and I.
I throw out a blanket and a muslin and get out some small toy that rattles.
It’s just us, here in this park.
Nowhere else to go, nothing to do.
You’re so small, I wonder if you even know we’re somewhere other than our back yard.
But this is me trying to leave the house.
This is our season, lost in motherhood and lost in your eyes.
And found all at once.
Alone in the park, with my gigantic bag.
Free to the hours I would watch and wonder later where they went.
And we would stare at each other a while, “time to go home now”, I would say.
My world seemed so much smaller, light enough to cradle and heavy enough to cry.
It sounds like a lot to live up to, being my world.
But that’s the beauty of it really.
It’s nothing you did, it’s everything you are.
To me.
And I’ve never been more myself, even if I didn’t know who that person was for a while.
I can be me around you, I want to be. I’m free to be.
Because she is who you need.
You accepted her, before I did.
I was surprised to feel healed in some ways becoming a mother, maybe because everything just felt so honest.
More honest than I had ever known.
I haven’t forgotten the loneliness, I’ll never forget the love.
You’ve freed my heart to love like never before.
You freed me in so many ways.
Except the air in my lungs.
I’m still holding my breath a little.
Maybe I always will.
Words by Jess Urlichs for DockATot
Follow Jess on Instagram - @jessurlichs_writer
'From One Mom To A Mother' Poetry & Momisms Book
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Simplifying life for new parents, DockATot is your extra set of hands.
The multi-functional DockATot is the perfect place for your baby to lounge, play, rest, cuddle, and enjoy tummy time. The DockATot is here for you no matter where the day takes you! Created to mimic the womb and voted as a must-have baby product, parents and babies around the world love DockATot.
From parents who know:
"Life saver! No matter if we are home or out and about, we always take our DockATot with us. So easy for on the go and also easy to clean." - Alexia D
"My little girl absolutely loves her DockATot! Would 100% recommend this to anyone having a baby. Sadie has excellent naps and I do believe this is one of the reasons why." - Carmen F
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Related Blogs:
- Your Summer Saviour: The DockATot Cabana Kit
- An Anxious Mind: My Journey of Dealing with Postnatal Anxiety by Chezzi Denyer
- Mama, All I See Is You by Jess Urlichs
- 6 Podcasts for Parents and Parents-To-Be
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